By Wendy Larson
I have found that my weight is a direct cause of a lifelong battle with depression and anxiety. Even as a small child I would have horrible panic attacks. My parents did all that they could to try and fix me but not a single doctor or therapist had any idea what was happening to me. The best guesses were that I was having separation anxiety, that I was actually autistic (I was tested and this theory was put to bed) or that I was just a bratty kid.
It wasn’t until seeking help for a resurgence of my panic attacks in my early 20’s that it even dawned on anyone that what I experienced as a child was indeed the same thing. Fortunately, I am on medication that has alleviated the depression and virtually eradicated the panic attacks. I still get sad, and I still get anxious- just not nearly as much.
The anxiety was so bad that I developed not only a horrible self-esteem but debilitating depression as well. I didn’t want anyone to know how sad I was, so I put on a happy face and built a nice little façade of humor. I was known as the funny fat girl from elementary school onward. In hindsight I find that I would eat to try to fill a void. Some people use drugs to get high, I use food. I often joke that cheeseburgers are my crack.
Unfortunately, I just stopped caring. I let myself go, and turned into a massive couch potato. I was never athletic and have the bone structure to be a large person. I also have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and a thyroid disease called Hashimoto’s Disease. The combination of depression, inactivity, and biology made me huge.
The thought of posting my weight for all the world to see disturbs me beyond belief. But to hell with it, if I’m not realistic with you, then I wouldn’t feel accountable- and this is what this fitness series is about, being accountable to friends, family, and (most frightening) complete strangers. At last weigh in I was 354 lbs. Depending on the brand I am between a size 28 and 32. I am 5’7.
Here’s a picture of my motivation.
That’s me at 3 years old…. I want to give that cute little stinker a long and happy life.
Here’s a picture of me and my dad (I’m 18 in this picture) My Daddy is my biggest fan and my greatest supporter.
This is a recent picture of myself and my best friend.
Short Term Goal-
Work up to being able to walk up to 2 miles without being covered in sweat and out of breath. I need to work on portion control and being able to identify when I’m emotionally eating. I also need to fight the sloth and force myself to exercise daily.
Long Term Goal-
Realistically I’m never going to be below a size 12. Anything smaller just isn’t going to work for me. My long term goal is to be able to shop at regular stores again. I miss clothes. I want to get to a point where I can walk into a store and not feel invisible. Scratch that, I want to walk through LIFE and not feel invisible.